A very personal trauma

A close friend has just given birth to her second child, and it brings up all sorts of emotions for me.The birth of my second was long and hard, at home but not the 'nicety-nice' type of home-birth, more the blood sweat and tears version.

Post-partum was worse. Much of it was spent re-living what I had perceived as a difficult labour, we had no family support in the country, and our eldest was going through a very difficult stage. To top it all off #2 was a crier for the first 3 months.

I spent most of the time with a crying child on each knee, dying inside. Or locked into my room with the newborn, a cabinet wedged against the door, my elder son hammering on it, smashing things, urinating on the carpet, biting us.

Looking at it from a distance, it was the portal into greater self knowledge, as only trauma can be: I went over the things that triggered my unease with an analyst who I found after a period of depression, and it was a great thing to do.

So as I imagine my friend right now, in hospital, with her tiny baby, not knowing how the next few weeks and months will be, I want to make them all better for her. I want to support her and prevent her from suffering and be there for her like no-one was for me.

Yet even if her experience proves to be difficult, and there's no saying it will, how could I protect her? And, would I even want to? Isn't the trauma also part of the spectrum of life, as important as the euphoria? Wouldn't I be doing her out of a learning process if I did manage to make it "all better"?

I also in some weird way want to relive those first few months of 2nd time motherhood, make them good, make them OK. I subconsciously want to live vicariously through her, this time doing all the right things. For some time after the birth I would imagine having a 3rd child just to do it "well", imagining how I would prepare better, how I wouldn't let it phase me, how I would be better this time.

It is no exaggeration to say that how a woman experiences childbirth is of utmost importance- it brings together her past (what she brings to to the birth psychologically) her present (how she perceives and experiences the event) and her future (the new life, how it fits onto the great river of life, does it help her bob along, does it drown her).

I hope I can strike the balance between supporting my friend without being overbearing, without injecting my experience into it. My stomach knots at the thought of what she may go through, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I must have faith in her and hope. A difficult balance.